To the Perfectionist...

"At its root, perfectionism isn't really about a deep love of being meticulous. It's about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success." - Michael Law

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If you are at all like me, you feel a constant desire to be excellent, but sometimes that desire becomes overwhelming. As time passes, you find yourself with an exorbitant need to surpass excellence and reach for perfection. Next thing you know, you struggle to find the perfect solution to every problem and to always do the right thing. You try to perfect yourself before committing to anything and feel utterly exposed if someone finds a flaw. Finally, you realize your excessive drive for excellence has long been overshadowed by a drive for perfection. I never realized I had become a perfectionist until someone stopped and said it blankly to my face. I have heard people call it by many different names - over achieving, meticulous, or "doing it right." For some reason, the idea of calling perfectionism by a another name keeps us from feeling guilty for committing it. Perfectionism hides itself in my different crevices - appearance, school, work, relationships, motherhood, and home making - but no matter how it surfaces, we are afraid to point it out. We don't want to admit that something has more control over our lives than we do.

Perfectionism is a cruel master. No matter how hard you try, perfectionism is never satisfied, and it continues to ask for more. You become easily enslaved to its ever-changing laws and expectations. It's a constant whiplash across your back leaving wounds and scares to remind you of your imperfections. Every day, it tells you that you'll never be good enough.
Perfectionism is driven by fear, not excellence. The perfectionist is afraid to fail, to succeed, to be vulnerable, to be real; the list goes on. I think the worst part is that it holds you back from achieving all you're called to do. Perfectionism keeps you chained to the idea that you can attain the impossible. Instead of living in the freedom of being you, you keep beating yourself to try and be something you can never become.

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I think it's important to point out that perfection, at least in this world, doesn't actually exist. Every time we strive to be perfect, we fail. It's an impossible task. In a strange way, trying to be perfect is really just another  way of punishing ourselves. In some cases, I think people enjoying being perfectionists. By being a perfectionist, you are able to admit your shortcomings and point out your flaws before anyone else does. It secludes you from the truth others have to offer and protects you from feeling you are a failure to others. You always disappoint yourself before anyone else can feel disappointed. For some reason, we believe it would be better to scold ourselves then to hear loving correction from a friend or family member.

As often as you hide from correction, you also seclude yourself from receiving encouragement.

I often let my struggle for perfection keep me from accomplishing anything. It could be that I don't want to turn in an assignment, make a recipe, volunteer at my church, or encourage a friend. Even now, as I'm writing this blog, I'm wondering if I'm communicating well, using proper grammar, or if I should even post this. Instead of trying to do something, I end up doing nothing. Don't let perfectionism keep you from achieving that which you love and were created to do. I've learned, often the hard way, that it's better to run the race than not start at all. Which is better, to finish the race in fifth place or to never cross the starting line? If you do run the race, don't make perfection the motivation. If perfection is the goal of running, it will steal away the joy of finishing. As long as you give it your best, it doesn't matter if you finish in first place. You can't wait to become perfect. If you do, you will never go anywhere.

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Stop believing the lies perfectionism tells you.

I know the lies are hard to ignore. You constantly hear you're not good enough, you won't amount to anything, you'll never accomplish your dreams, no one will like you, and no one will ever appreciate your work. If you believe the lies perfectionism tells you, you will become its slave. The only person expecting you to be perfect is you. Don't serve your perfectionist ideals. No one is perfect. We aren't a production line of unblemished people who can be recalled and returned because of a flaw. We are all created to be different. We are all unique individuals because of our strengths and our mistakes. Don't let the pursuit of perfectionism destroy who you are and what you were created for. If you do, you rob us all from enjoying the unique individual that you are.

Everyone can try to be perfect, but you are the only one who can be you.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

- II Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

"The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Over the years, friends, women, and even men, have come to me with questions about relationships. It is only natural for us to look for advice about love. Romance is a central part of our lives. Nearly everyone, including myself, has experienced some sort of confusion, problem, or heart ache over a relationship. I was recently reminded of a piece advice that I often give women. I decided that I would write about it because I think it's something that every woman ought to know when considering a romantic relationship.

Never go emotionally where you haven't been led.

Let me try and explain this to you. We, as women, are emotional beings. We are the ones who cry at sappy movies, take pity on helpless children, get angry when guys purposefully hurt animals, and close our eyes at gory scenes. I am in no way saying that we are weak; I think our emotion is often what makes us strong. Obviously, men have emotions too, but, in general, women are the ones who experience emotion more readily and deeply. The same is true when we are looking for a boyfriend or husband.

I have witnessed countless situations in which a girl really likes a guy. She thinks he is the most wonderful man in the world, adores his big eyes, knows she has finally witnessed a physical example of the Greek gods, and is convinced that the two of them should be listed as "in a relationship" on Facebook. Next thing you know, she is reporting several situations that have occurred confirming her suspicions that the feelings are mutual. For some reason or another, the glance of his eyes, the tone in his voice, the way he leaned in at the table, the particular question he asked her, must mean he loves her.Well, I hate to bust your bubble, but that is not necessarily true. He might not actually love you in the way you are convinced he does.

I want to point out three common possibilities. First, this guy is a player and he is emotionally manipulating you. Second, the guy that you have fallen so hard over does not, in reality, have any romantic feelings towards you. He only considers you a friend. The third possibility is that he really is crushing on you, but he is not ready to move into a relationship, so he keeps his distance.

This is the point in which we women often step in and make this whole relationship process very difficult for ourselves. Women have a tendency to analyze everything, especially in relationships. When you like a guy, you start analyzing everything he does and says. It's as if you are trying to muster up something to prove he likes you back. Well, let me tell you something, the only person you are trying to prove his intentions to is yourself. No one else is trying to figure it out. Yes, your friends will indulge your fantasies, but when you're not around, they don't think about it. The more and more you try to analyze if he likes you, the more and more you become emotionally connected to him. As your emotional attachment increases, so do your expectations about the relationship. The guy does or says the smallest thing, and, because you are looking for it, you interpret his actions as proof that he likes you.

Over time, you start to become discouraged about the whole thing. Your frustration is coming from your emotional attachment to a guy who has never given you any proof that he loves you. You have successfully allowed yourself to go emotionally where you have never been led. Maybe your relationship isn't Facebook official, but in your heart, you are dating the man. You are emotionally attached in a way that can only exist in a relationship. No wonder you're feeling frustrated; your heart and mind are living in a place that doesn't exist.

Instead of trying to analyze the situation and come up with proof that he likes you, just wait. I'm not saying you have to stop liking him, but that you should stop trying to move the relationship forward. If this guy likes you, he will make it clear to you, and you won't have to question or analyze his intentions. He will let you know when he is ready. Trust me, you don't want to get in a relationship with someone before he is ready. Until then, wait, be patient, and see what happens. If he doesn't like you, nothing will happen. Of course, that would be extremely disappointing, but at least you won't get yourself heartbroken because you allowed yourself to emotionally be in a relationship that doesn't exist. The other option is that he does like you, and he will eventually let you know. Maybe the relationship doesn't start when you want it to, but it will start when he is ready for it. You want to be in a relationship when you are both ready. If he does like you, you still need to be careful not to move emotionally where he has not taken you. Only allow yourself to go where he has clearly led you. Otherwise you will find yourself confused, frustrated, and irritated. Until then, be patient, use some self-control, and don't go emotionally where you haven't been led.