To the Perfectionist...

"At its root, perfectionism isn't really about a deep love of being meticulous. It's about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success." - Michael Law

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If you are at all like me, you feel a constant desire to be excellent, but sometimes that desire becomes overwhelming. As time passes, you find yourself with an exorbitant need to surpass excellence and reach for perfection. Next thing you know, you struggle to find the perfect solution to every problem and to always do the right thing. You try to perfect yourself before committing to anything and feel utterly exposed if someone finds a flaw. Finally, you realize your excessive drive for excellence has long been overshadowed by a drive for perfection. I never realized I had become a perfectionist until someone stopped and said it blankly to my face. I have heard people call it by many different names - over achieving, meticulous, or "doing it right." For some reason, the idea of calling perfectionism by a another name keeps us from feeling guilty for committing it. Perfectionism hides itself in my different crevices - appearance, school, work, relationships, motherhood, and home making - but no matter how it surfaces, we are afraid to point it out. We don't want to admit that something has more control over our lives than we do.

Perfectionism is a cruel master. No matter how hard you try, perfectionism is never satisfied, and it continues to ask for more. You become easily enslaved to its ever-changing laws and expectations. It's a constant whiplash across your back leaving wounds and scares to remind you of your imperfections. Every day, it tells you that you'll never be good enough.
Perfectionism is driven by fear, not excellence. The perfectionist is afraid to fail, to succeed, to be vulnerable, to be real; the list goes on. I think the worst part is that it holds you back from achieving all you're called to do. Perfectionism keeps you chained to the idea that you can attain the impossible. Instead of living in the freedom of being you, you keep beating yourself to try and be something you can never become.

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I think it's important to point out that perfection, at least in this world, doesn't actually exist. Every time we strive to be perfect, we fail. It's an impossible task. In a strange way, trying to be perfect is really just another  way of punishing ourselves. In some cases, I think people enjoying being perfectionists. By being a perfectionist, you are able to admit your shortcomings and point out your flaws before anyone else does. It secludes you from the truth others have to offer and protects you from feeling you are a failure to others. You always disappoint yourself before anyone else can feel disappointed. For some reason, we believe it would be better to scold ourselves then to hear loving correction from a friend or family member.

As often as you hide from correction, you also seclude yourself from receiving encouragement.

I often let my struggle for perfection keep me from accomplishing anything. It could be that I don't want to turn in an assignment, make a recipe, volunteer at my church, or encourage a friend. Even now, as I'm writing this blog, I'm wondering if I'm communicating well, using proper grammar, or if I should even post this. Instead of trying to do something, I end up doing nothing. Don't let perfectionism keep you from achieving that which you love and were created to do. I've learned, often the hard way, that it's better to run the race than not start at all. Which is better, to finish the race in fifth place or to never cross the starting line? If you do run the race, don't make perfection the motivation. If perfection is the goal of running, it will steal away the joy of finishing. As long as you give it your best, it doesn't matter if you finish in first place. You can't wait to become perfect. If you do, you will never go anywhere.

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Stop believing the lies perfectionism tells you.

I know the lies are hard to ignore. You constantly hear you're not good enough, you won't amount to anything, you'll never accomplish your dreams, no one will like you, and no one will ever appreciate your work. If you believe the lies perfectionism tells you, you will become its slave. The only person expecting you to be perfect is you. Don't serve your perfectionist ideals. No one is perfect. We aren't a production line of unblemished people who can be recalled and returned because of a flaw. We are all created to be different. We are all unique individuals because of our strengths and our mistakes. Don't let the pursuit of perfectionism destroy who you are and what you were created for. If you do, you rob us all from enjoying the unique individual that you are.

Everyone can try to be perfect, but you are the only one who can be you.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

- II Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)

To the Dreamer...

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney

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Have you ever had a dream? I know that I have, and I still do. I'm not just talking about random inspirational fantasies. As a child, I had a lot of those. One day I wanted to be a famous tap dancer, and the next I wanted to be a scientist. If you look back through your childhood, I'm sure that you can find a time that you wanted to be a ballerina, an astronaut, or a race car driver. But I'm not talking about those dreams.

I'm talking about the dreams that bring life to a calling deep inside of you.

Dreams that grip your heart and dig talons so deep that to remove them would leave scars disfiguring you forever. Maybe your dream is to start a bakery. Maybe you dream of being a recording artist, a lawyer, or a school teacher. It could be you dream of being a mother or finally achieving world peace. I dream of a family, training leaders, and restoring cities.

The past several weeks I've been thinking a lot about dreams. Dreams are a vital part of life that feed the soul and fuel your passions. Dreams don't just give you something to wish for, they give you a purpose. In a way, they define you. I wouldn't say they are your identity, but dreams do say something about who you are. They have a unique way of telling people what you stand for. More importantly, dreams remind yourself what you were made for; they bring your calling to the surface.

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As wonderful as dreams are, dreams are tough. They are alluringly described in so many picturesque movies and poetic songs, but none of those stories seem to capture the difficulties of a dream. It's important to remember that there is always someone or something out there ready to drive your dream to ruin. Dreams don't just happen. They take patience, hard work, courage, tenacity, and faith. You have to fight for your dream. Because hard times come, people often forget their dreams and lose sight of who they are. Those without dreams become wandering and aimless souls who search for a place to call home.

No matter what happens, don't give up. If you do, the consequences of quitting are much more severe than the struggles of continuing.

The trials you face will not be easy, but you can conquer them. As long as you press on, you will have the passion and purpose of your dream to give you strength to push forward. Eventually, you will see your dream rise like the sun over the horizon, and it will all be worth it. The moment you give up, you sentence yourself to wander meaningless in the dark. Confusion and loneliness become your only allies.  

The trials you experience are growth for the dream you are hoping for. Preparation can be painful, and it usually isn't very fun, but it's necessary to succeed. Just like an athlete trains for a race, this is your training. A runner can't compete in a marathon without going through the pain of preparing first. Without the training and growth, you will never reach the starting line. Embrace your struggles as best you can because those struggles will give you the endurance you need to finish the race.

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Once you cross that starting line, don't be discouraged if your dream doesn't happen exactly the way you imagined. Over time, things evolve and situations change. The exact details of your dream may unfold differently than you originally planned, but that doesn't mean your dream has changed. Despite all the specifics, the skeleton of your dream is still the same. Enjoy your dream for the beautiful masterpiece that it has become. 

My last word to you is this; No matter what anyone says, your dream makes a difference. Your actions and achievements have an influence on the world and people around you whether it be for better or for worse.

It is up to you to decide what kind of difference your dream will make.

"Therefore we do not lost heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

- II Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV)

Deeper

"As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, 'Where is your God?' These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in the procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you down cast, O my soul? And why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall praise Him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all the breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life."

Psalm 42:1-8 ESV

There is little for me to say about what it means to go deeper. It is hard to write about something so intricate that even I don't understand it. I wish that I could comprehend more, but  I cannot. There is little clarity to my declaration. All I can say with fair truth is that I have a burning desire to go deeper. I feel a passion within me to discover the mysteries in this world. I have already concluded that I may not always find the answers. With every half answer I do find, I uncover twice the questions. There is much more to life than we first see. There is much more below the surface. It is just a matter of diving in and realizing that it is there. That is why we have the ability to go deeper; there exists a vast extent to life that we still have not met.

I can only describe to you my need, my driving passion, to find more. Everything and everyone around us is made up of more than we give credit. If we take a moment to look, we will find that the intricacies of this world are beyond comprehension, and they all come from One man. God is the only one who can answer the questions that we find in life because He is the one who created them. He is the only one who can guide us to those answers, and he is the only one who will ever truly know. As I go deeper, I will grow, learn, and change. I want to find the answers that God has for me. I want to discover the questions and mysteries that lead me to greater knowledge and wisdom. I want to change. I want to find the heart beat of a world that is so little undersatood. I want to know the passion of the God who created it. As I continue to search and to learn, I know that God will teach me. My journey will lead me to spiritual things, wonders of life, and the concerns of people. As I keep moving forward, I will discover God. When I discover God, I will find freedom.

I Do

"Marriage isn't about happiness; it's about holiness." - Gary Thomas

I recently embarked on one of life's most exciting, intricate, and intimate journeys - marriage. To many people, it would seem that marriage is more about one's own happiness than anything else. We live in a culture where love is only a feeling, weddings are commercialized, and marriages are presented as princess fairy tale stories. What could be hard about that? If that's all that I had ever learned about relationships, I would think marriage is about my happiness too. However, over the past year and a half, I have come to realize marriage is so much more than happiness and butterflies in my stomach. Marriage is about holiness, not happiness. God uses marriage in our lives so that we can become more like Him.

Marriage isn't about you. It's hard, and it takes work. Love is more than a feeling; it's a choice. Lasting love doesn't just happen. Sometimes in marriage you have to choose to love your spouse. In a marriage, it's not about getting what you want, but giving what you have. Marriage requires selflessness, love, patience, kindness, and commitment. Marriage is a holy covenant made between a man and woman before God. I have had the privilege and honor of beginning that covenant, and I am able to live it out every day with my husband. As I choose each day to lay myself aside and love someone more than myself, I continue my journey to become more like Christ. In essence, marriage requires us to deny our natural selfish desires and live in a way that is similar to the lifestyle of Jesus.

In case you are wondering, I am in no way trying to say that marriage is awful. I couldn't be happier than to be married to my best friend. Our marriage is full of love, laughter, tears, trials, and wonderful memories. Every morning I open my eyes and find that I am more in love with my husband than I was the day before. I am only saying that there is more to marriage - and more effort that needs to be put into marriage - than our culture teaches us there is. Marriage isn't about you; it's about Him. I am so thankful that God uses marriage to make us more like Him. 

By no means do I declare myself an expert on marriage, love, and relationships. I know I haven't been married for very long. All I will declare to be is a caring wife who hopes to learn, grow, and bring glory to God in my marriage. I know that I will make mistakes and that I don't know everything, but I am excited to learn. It is my desire to have a wonderful marriage. I hope to have an ongoing romance with my husband and to have a relationship that honors God. That is why I have dedicated this page of my blog to posts about marriage and relationships. This is where I will post entries about this exciting adventure that my husband and I have begun. Feel free to read if you would like. 

One last thing, if you haven't read the book Sacred Marriage, I encourage you to do so. It will change your perspective and your marriage.

"Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'"
1 Peter 1:13-15  ESV

Dove Days

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:2-4   ESV

We all face trials in life. They are an inevitable part of living that everyone must go through. Trials may come in the form of frustration, irritation, financial hardship, relational problems, a broken heart, discouragement, rejection, transition, anger, hopelessness, or fear. No matter what form they take, we have to continue to press on, press forward, and press through.

You may be wondering why I am talking about trials on a page called "Dove Days." I promise; I have a point. Several years back, during a strenuous time in my life, I created something I like to call "Dove Days." It sounds silly, I know, but it has been a way for me to process through frustrations and reconcile difficulties that I have faced.

The process of a Dove Day goes like this. When you feel overwhelmed by a problem, go quickly and find a dear friend. (I've found that friends of the same gender work best in this case, though spouses take a close second.) Go to the store and purchase a bag of Dove chocolate singles. It can be any kind of chocolate you prefer: dark, milk, raspberry swirls, with almonds, or with caramel. Once you have bought the chocolate, pick a place that you find most comforting or calming. It can be a coffee shop, your room, a park, beside a fire, or by the lake. Just choose whatever works for you. At this point, sit down with your friend (or walk if you prefer) and vent. Let everything out. Whatever may bothering you, share it all. Release all the emotion, frustration, anger, and confusion you may be feeling. Once you have shared everything, open the bag of chocolate, and enjoy.

Each Dove single is not only wrapped in tin foil, but it is also wrapped in a promise. As you and your friend open each chocolate, read the promise out loud. Think of each statement as a promise to help you work through your problem. Now, let me be clear that I am in no way superstitious. I don't believe these little tin foil trifles to be some form of fortune telling. These Dove promises are, however, a silly way to find fun, hope, love, and laughter in the most troubling situations. Instead of focusing on the challenge, they challenge you to shift your attention to something as lighthearted as a Dove promise. The chocolates are simply used as a transition. They force you to move on. This gives the chance for hope to grow while hopelessness dies. Not only do you get to eat chocolate, but you get to enjoy the smiles and company of a compassionate friend. Dove Days are an opportunity to lean on a friend, share a sorrow, share a smile, make a memory, and move forward. That is the key. 

That is why this page is called Dove Days. They are special moments devoted to fighting through hardship. Dove Days force you to face your problems, lean on a friend, and let hope grow in your heart. From this point on, this page will be dedicated to addressing all sorts of topics regarding trials. Until then, if you are facing adversity, grab a friend, and give Dove Days a try.